Gigi's Blog

I’ve tried off and on to blog since my last blog and that has been a very long time ago.  Normally when I’ve had a pause in my blogging (I think the longest has been a week) I can somehow hit the high points and catch you up on everything.  I can’t do that this time.  Too much has gone on. 

But to try and let you know the necessary………………………………

1. There’s been a layoff at work
2. Rich and Holly are waiting for Goudy to pass
3. I’m overwhelmed

I have not been let go at work. Ashley D. has.  This means I’m doing what she was doing.  I didn’t feel successful or confident when I did her job before, and have went into this thing with fear, and I’d have to admit (at least initially) an attitude.

One week ago the nurse said that Goudy was within hours, at the most a day or so from dying.  So her entire family has been on constant vigil since that time.  A week vigil in a hospital is extremely difficult.  But in a hospital you could say, “I’ve gotta step out for a minute.  I’m gonna grab a bite to eat.  I need to leave.”  But Goudy wanted to die at home.  So this type of thing at home is entirely different.  The family is responsible for everything.  Cleaning messes, administering medication, changing diapers, all the while trying to keep your young children up on school work and find someone to take them to soccer practice and make sure the youth is ok and figure out how to get food when you really can’t leave and plus it’s very expensive to do take-out but you can’t cook. 

I have what feels like too much going on in my life.  I tell you all the time how guilty I feel about my mothering.  I have had every night packed for the last two weeks.  Some things are out of necessity, some are for fun.  I have a mind spinning with everything from sadness, guilt, frustration, hurt, anger, dreams, hopes, desires.  In other words I’m overwhelmed.

My mother recently said that she wished I had a more normal life for Chloe and the kids as far as scheduling and time spent together.  Boy sometimes I wish that too and when another person says it, it cuts to my core. 

I get up every day with this “UUGGHH” feeling.  I praise God and love Him and try to tell Him first thing.  I spend time in the morning praying for other people and try to pray for myself lastly.  But my prayers are always the same.   Everyday the same.  “God, get me out of this mess.  Change things.  I don’t want be this way.  Then God I can do things to the fullest.” 

I started today with a new prayer.  I did not beg God to do what I want.  I begged God to allow me to do what He wants.  To strengthen me for whatever He wants me to do today.  I believe that if I continue to say “I can’t do this.” then I won’t be able to.

Philippians 4:13 (The Message)

Content Whatever the Circumstances

 10-14I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.

I spent every day telling God the same thing over and over and over and over again.  The Bible says to make your request known to God and I’ve done that.  It’s as if I thought if I didn’t remind Him every day of my life He’d forget.  He knows what I want, He knows what I need and loves me enough to help me see those two must be the same in order to find peace.

So as far as normal-my new normal may not be what people see as 1950s normal.  But if my new normal gets me closer to the greatness of God that is the only normal I want.

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