Gigi's Blog

This is yet another day of an emergency room visit several years back. 

It was the day before Thanksgiving 1998.  Mark and I had been married 1 and 1/2 yr.  I think I still grasped very tightly to the romantacized idea of life and happiness at that time.  I'm not talking about romance between a man and woman, I'm talking about marshmallow cloud puffs of constant happiness that at times we believe are attainable.  Mark had decided to call in sick on that day so that he could stay home with the kids who were out of school that day.  Meagan and Adam were 9 and 10.  No Chloe yet.  I had bragged that our day-after-Thanksgiving shopping COULD NOT include any kids, it was gonna be all adult and fun, fun fun.  I can't remember if we were having Mark's family to our house for mine and Gretel's birthday, or if I was taking food to their house for Thanksgiving, but for some reason I had went to Sam's Club (of all stupid things) to buy appetizers and things that Mark's family doesn't even really care for.  I spent money we didn't have, and came home with sort of a defense mechanism up in the form of a bad attitude.  I was ready to defend and explain why in fact we did need those brocolli and cheese quiche even if nobody liked them.  Mark definitely seemed wierd, so I assumed he was upset.  I mean, he didn't even get up off the couch.  How rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Well at some point he told me that he'd been having some stomach issues, all day.  I went into panic mode because he refused.  Then it started.  He would get up, pass out, then get up and say he was fine.  This happened on and off for about 4 hours.  He finally agreed to let me take him to the ER.  He didn't have a Dr.  I called my mom and told her I had to bring our kids over.  When he and I got to the hospital he passed out and I couldn't get him up.  I ran into the ER and screamed I needed someone to help me that my husband was in the parking lot passed out.  They got a wheelchair ready to push.  The door opened.  It was Mark as white as a sheet of paper.  They pushed the chair up under him and he passed out again.  I become totally hysterical.  I didn't know what to do.  I waited for probably 20 min. even though it seemed like a hundred years.  I went to the desk and began to "loose it".  They took me to another room, and I called my mom and then my in-laws who came immediately.  My father-in-law was having a dream when the phone rang that was sort of in line with what was actually happening.  The funny thing is I was begging to get to Mark and he was telling them, don't let her back here, she can't handle it.  When I finally got back there I was crying and scared and Mark was very sick. I didn't sleep any that night. Thanksgiving day was spent doing test that showed nothing.  I didn't anything that day.  Just drank coffee.  Mark's blood level was close to what could kill a person, but they didn't know why.  He got a blood tranfusion, frozen plasma, and vitiamin k.  After  the test didn't show anything, and he seemed better, they decided they would send him home.  It seemed wrong because we didn't know why this happened.  We didn't have to worry about it, he started loosing blood again.  We knew that this was life-threatening.  A Dr. called me on the phone and said his only option was exploritory emergency surgery.  He was prepped and a ton of people from family to friends were at the hospital.  Two feet of his inestine were removed in which they found a bleeding ulcer.  He was in the hospital 10 days total, and lost so much weight that he looked terrible. But the fact of the matter is that he had a brush with death.  So as I'm thinking of everyting God has done for me lately, I want to stop and remember what the Lord has done.  Through past miracles and most importantly His death. 

I have two prayer requests:

1. Richard Myers' mother is having heart problems that are most likely terminal without a transplant.

2. Ashley Dye's mother is still in the hospital.

Have a truly blessed day.

Proberbs 21:31 do your best prepare, prepare for the worst-then trust God to bring victory.

Friday night was filled with celebration and joy over the good news.  My mother and father in-law cooked for us and brought the food over.  I thought I am going to eat like I haven't in 2 months!  I got in the bed very early Friday and watched Charles Stanley, and his message on praising God, and thanking Him.  All the benefits of praising God.    Saturday morning was met with a full out "sift" by Satan.  I had insomnia Friday, and about the time I fell back asleep, Chloe started getting sick.  Mark got up with her, and I didn't even get up.  It was like between 4 and 5 o'clock.  When I did get up, I began to pray and pray and pray.  Trying to encourage Chloe, but she was really hurting.  At about 9:00 or so, she stopped, and then slept for a long time.  Mark started painting and accomplished alot, and that was a huge blessing.  In the early evening I started having chest pains.  Bad.  Scary.  I didn't say anything to Mark at first.  I went upstairs and got in the bed.  It lasted several hours and passed.  It seemed like it started after I'd eaten.  Sunday morning I was gripped with fear.  Chloe was baptized and thank God He hovered around her and gave her understanding and peace.  I sat in the service and felt in a bit of a fog, so scared I was going to start with those chest pains again.  Everyone was coming up to me to hug me, and I was pretty reserved, just from the fear.  That afternoon, I ate a few chicken nuggets, and within I'd say an hour I was in that tremendous chest pain.  I hugged 3 pillows, and after about 1/2 an hour it passed.  I went to church Sunday night for our Thanksgiving meal, too scared to fill my plate the way I wanted.  I wasn't social and happy and moving and giddy like I wanted to be.  I was mad.  I wanted to do cartwheels for Jesus, but couldn't.  Mark stayed to clean up-you know how he is about that, and when I felt too tired  I told him I really wanted to go and we did.  I was literally exhausted.  Exhausted from chest tightness, from fear, discouragement.  I had nightmares all night, and broke out in a sweat!  You know that's not me.  I came to work yesterday in a funk.  I ran to the bathroom a million times.  Was I leaking?  Was I leaking Was I leaking?  I would feel tightness in my back and think "Does my ureter have scar tissue?  Total fear.  Toally out of control.  Totally consumed. 

I remembered Dr. Stanley's sermon.  What was interesting was I had saw the sermon on praise Sunday morning again.  I always have felt when God wants me to"get" something he sends like a double validation of His point ('cause I'm slow).  So, I began to try to do a better job of praising.  I wrote a song yesterday on praise.  I usually write out of pain, so this was kind of new.  I tried to just think on His glory and majesty.  I went home, and Mark had been kind enough to take Chloe to dance, and they'd left before I got home.  I changed clothes and just sat there.  Cheryl Martin gave me a Message Bible Translation Sunday at church.  She knew I wanted one, and this was very, very exciting.  I began to read  it Monday night and got a revelation.  Matthew 10:32-33 "Stand up for me against world opinion and I'll stand up for you before my Father in heaven.  If you turn tail and run, do you think I'll cover for you?" I mean it was as if the Lord said to me, what are doing to stand for me?  Nothing.  I really had gotten in the mind set "Ok Lord.  It's your turn now to pay me back."  So, my heart changed.  I'm telling you, I woke up thinking, "stand up for Me against the world, and I'll stand up for you before my Father."   Once I had the knowlege of that, armed with what I knew about praise I had a renewed hope and faith. 

So, now what?  I am still praying, and really trusting more and hope He'll give me the grace to continue to do so.  Why do we pray?  Is it to change what God's going to do?  Does He change what He's going to do?  Many people say "no".  But, there are two stories in the Bible, that He does just that. I Chronicles 21:14-1514-15 God then sent the angel to Jerusalem but when he saw the destruction about to begin, he compassionately changed his mind and ordered the death angel, "Enough's enough! Pull back!" 2 Kings 20 (NIV)  1 In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."  2 Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, 3 "Remember, O LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly.  4 Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: 5 "Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, 'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. 6 I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city for my sake and for the sake of my servant David.' "  7 Then Isaiah said, "Prepare a poultice of figs." They did so and applied it to the boil, and he recovered.  8 Hezekiah had asked Isaiah, "What will be the sign that the LORD will heal me and that I will go up to the temple of the LORD on the third day from now?"  9 Isaiah answered, "This is the LORD's sign to you that the LORD will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?"  10 "It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps," said Hezekiah. "Rather, have it go back ten steps."  11 Then the prophet Isaiah called upon the LORD, and the LORD made the shadow go back the ten steps it had gone down on the stairway of Ahaz.

You might feel as good as "dead" today.  But, it doesn't matter what you've been told, it doesn't matter your circumstance, God can change your situation.  I'm really trying to drop that truth the 18 inches from my head to my heart. I want to digest the good stuff He's allowed me to know:

1.He inhabits my praise. 2.If I stand up for Him before the world, He'll stand up for Me.  3. Prayer changes things.

Dear God,

I do praise you.  I pray you'll forgive me of imperfection as well as defiance, because both are short of your standard.  I thank you that I am forgiven.  God I'm looking to you today for my reader and myself.  God I pray that you will help us to resist Satan until he's gone, and help us to be motivated by the things that motivate you.  God please rain down answers of hope

In Jesus name, Amen

I had my test this morning.  Everyone was totally kind to me, and that was a blessing.  I was put to sleep and woke up and felt different, as if that pressure wasn't there.  I didn't say anything though.  As they wheeled me to recovery, a nurse said the words I'd prayed to God she would say "He didn't see any leakage, and he didn't put a stent in."  It was a miracle.  Another nurse came and I shared the story with her, and she was obviously a Christian, and almost cried and said she was so blessed by what I was telling her.  I feel like I can actually rest like as in the kind of rest when you're really ok, you're just takin' it easy.  I haven't that kind of rest in 2 months.

I want to thank you all for your prayers.  I mean it's beyond just "thank you", it's if you hadn't prayed for me I wouldn't be where I am.

I have to praise God.  It is totally Him.  Totally.  Not modern medicine, not me, it's Him. 

I want to ask you to pray for a woman who was in pre-surgery.  Her husband came in with her, which is unusual, because they don't allow anyone back there.  I couldn't see her or him very well because I didn't have my glasses.  But there was some sort of commotion, and then the Dr. went to her bedside and said "mam' you are gonna gave this surgery today, we are not going to reschedule this surgery."  She was very upset, and he more so.  He said "you have a tumor the size of a golf ball in your brain.  If you don't this surgery, you will die."  She cried and apologized, but he really was beyond wanting to hear that.  He told her the original surgery was scheduled for yesterday, and that she'd already done this once, and she couldn't postpone it again.  She told him that she just couldn't have the surgery.  He said "Then I can no longer be your Dr.  You are making a critical mistake.  YOu need to go straight to Charlotte ER, and try to find someone who will start you on chemo today.  I prayed for her.  That she would change her mind.  But no.  They wheeled her out, and I could see that her head had already been shaved.  I thought "Wow.  You would think she would have wanted the surgery if he told her she needed it."  Then I remembered, "Like the surgery I was scheduled to have, but cancelled."  Please pray for this lady.  I don't know her name or anything.  But God does.

Thank you God.

I taught last night on the scripture I blogged on yesterday.

Luke 11:37-41When he finished that talk, a Pharisee asked him to dinner. He entered his house and sat right down at the table. The Pharisee was shocked and somewhat offended when he saw that Jesus didn't wash up before the meal. But the Master said to him, "I know you Pharisees burnish the surface of your cups and plates so they sparkle in the sun, but I also know your insides are maggoty with greed and secret evil. Stupid Pharisees! Didn't the One who made the outside also make the inside? Turn both your pockets and your hearts inside out and give generously to the poor; then your lives will be clean, not just your dishes and your hands.

I told my class that Jesus was not influenced or impressed by the "sparkle".  In fact he was quite the opposite.  But we as humans often are influnced by the sparkle.  I commented that it's sort of like one of my favorite shows on TV "Dog Whisperer".  Cesar will not allow those dogs to become fixated on any one thing.  Because he knows that once that obsession in present, the dog turns into a disobedient, distracted and useless dog.  So when the dogs stare to long, Cesar forces the dog to stop obsessing.  We discussed different ways we can stop our becoming fixated on the sparkling cup.  One of the ways was in the above referenced scripture: turn both your pockets inside and hearts inside out and give generously to the poor.  We talked about prayer and study of the Word, and also not getting to close to the World's sparkle.

I had to share my own sparkling stare that had happened earlier yesterday.  I do not want to share this story with you really.  But, you know how I am.  A big mouth.  I was sitting at my desk yesterday.  Feeling restless.  Feeling stress.  Think about "things".  Questioning "What can I do to change my circustances?"  Feeling sorry for myself.  That's when I did it.  I typed in "settlements for ueter injury".  I began to pour over dollar amounts, just curious about it.  I never ever ever considered calling an attorney or anything like that.  So, what was I doing? 
I was gazing at the sparking cup.  Allowing my eyes to become fixated on something without even realizing it.  But then, thank God he revealed to me what I was doing.  And I knew that even though I was just curious, I realized it was wrong for me to even entertain this focus.  I quickly closed the screen out and asked God to forgive me and help me not to fall into that again. 

I'm sharing this with you just to say it's so easy to stare and focus on what sparkles and not even realize it. 

I pray today for us both.  That we will desire what's pure and clean and right. 

I read this morning:

I Chronicles 19:13b The Lord will do what is good in his sight.

That's all I want.

Are you one of those people who have  clean cabinets and clean closets?  A person whose Tupperware is neatly stacked with lids actually on?  A person whose refrigerator would never include out of date food, or leftovers several months old??

Oh.  Ok.  Well good for you.  Well, I'm not.  I clean out my cabinets and closets only by necessity.  When I can't find clothes on the floor, or my refrigerator smells, or my lids don't match, and I'm out of foil and saran wrap.  Only when forced.  What's so funny and typical and me is that after I've invested the time to clean out, I never invest the time to maintain.  Never.  Isn't that stupid?

When I was a kid my mom would get so sick of it she'd ground me until I'd cleaned out everything in my own room, which at the time seemed so unfair and difficult (boy, if I'd only known how simple it was to maintain one room in a house).  I turned into a professional "crammer".  I'd shove everything in my closet or under my bed, spray the dusting polish in the air and voila!  I was ungrounded.  I'd get away with it until she opened my closet door!

You know sometimes my spiritual life is like that.  I paint on pretend joy, stuff all my hurt and problems and sin way down and proceed to go on with my life.  Just hoping that no one will go in my closet, thinking God won't open that door.  He won't know.

Luke 11:39Then the Lord said to him, "Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. 40You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also?

What is your primary concern in your spiritual appearance?  It's difficult to believe sometimes, but there's not one piece of clothing, not one hairstyle, car, house, or any material thing that impress God.  He's the creator of it all.  He knows were humans, he made us.  But our inside is of utmost importance to Him. Let your entire being be clean, so that whatever part of you is on display, it's found pure.

Well.  I'm here.  I'm tired.  I'm sleepy.  But, I'm here.  I'm assuming you know that I'm referring to my current place of employment! 

My weekend was good.  Friday I was crazy tired.  I don't really know why.  But, Sat. was fun.  We got some paint for the hall.  We picked out a table.  But that was window shopping, and window shopping was fine.  The Bible says that He gives up hope for our future.  That's what I had as we were looking, hope for our future.  We had a meal and headed to the Southern Christmas Show .We didn't buy anything, and that was ok too.  We were just enjoying samples and time together.  Smelling candles is free, and just think of all the calories we burned by twisting those lids off!!  My stent was giving me grief, and I think I went to the restroom 10,000 times!  

Sunday church referenced I John, which is a very inspiring instruction book on living an outgoing Christian life.  Roger talked about boldness before the throne!  To know the will of God and be able to say "I'm ready for it! I want it, You want it.  Let it happen according to Your will."  According to this passage, we can have total and absolute certainty that Jesus Christ lives in us!  Do you have that certainty right now?  If you don't, you can.

I John 3:19-24 This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.21Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God 22and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. 23And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. 24Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us

You can know today beyond the shadow of any doubt. 

  http://www.billygraham.org/SH_HowToBecomeAChristian.asp

After the morning service Joel C. asked me if I'd sing Sunday night.  My usual  sickness in the pit of my stomach settled in after I'd said "Sure".  But, I did want to share the song I'd taken to the Write About Jesus seminar.  Nobody threw tomatoes at me or anything, so I'll take that as a good sign.

After the singing, I went to Vision for our lesson.  I was reminded of one of my favorite passages in the Bible in the morning service as I turned my Bible to I John 4:18.

I John4: 17-18God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

My prayer this morning for us both is:

God, help us to let love, becuase You are love, have run of our house.

Amen

Well today is my 11 yr. date anniversary.  Don't think I'm all romantic for remembering.  It's the day after Adam's birthday-every year!  I was in the choir and we were having a cook-out or something, I can't remember exactly.  But, I think we were supposed to dress up like a cowboy if I'm remembering correctly.  But, I'd had my eye on that Mark Pasour.  You know it didn't matter how much I  batted my eyes at him-nothing!  So, finally I just called on election night, '96. He was baking Adam cupcakes (in ice-cream cones) for his birthday. We talked for along time.  Neither of us were exactly sure of the other's age.  Ten years we discovered, but eleven years later anyone knows that he acts twenty years younger than me!  They day of the cook-out, it rained it out.  Was that divine intervention or what?!

We went to a movie and had dinner.  We found out our kids were exactly one year apart in age.  That was Nov. 9th '96.  April 26th, '97, we were married.  You know at the time it seemed completely normal.  Now being a bit older, I just wonder how many people were thinking "Are they crazy?".

We're going on an "anniversary date" tomorrow.  The actual day is today, but I knew I'd be so tired by 5:00.  So, we're going to go the Southern Christmas Show tomorrow.  That's right ladies, eat your hearts out-my husband is going to go with me to the Southern Christmas Show!  Now that's love! 

I'm definitely thankful to God for Mark and our marriage.  We have been through alot, and are still going through alot, but I know that God is with us, and it's gonna all work out. 

I'm working on a co-write for a song that's about marriage.  We've been looking at I Corinthians 13 to sort of shape the song.  When I read that I realize love and what most people's ideas of love are, are wrong.  I want to challenge myself to see the truth, and live it.

 The Way of Love

 1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.

 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

 11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

 12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Last night when I got home from church, I turned the TV in my room to one of my new favorite channels-Discovery Health.  My favorite channel used to be Food Network, and it's easing back to that, but when you're so sick you can't even think about food, watching a TV channel about food doesn't work.  There are several whole grain cereal, health food commercials that come on this channel.  It came on last night, and I get madder and madder when I see it.  The implication in this commercial is that these employees of this health food company love nature so much that they go surfing and think of cereals to create while they are surfing.  They love nature so much they go to the jungle and ride a zipline that appears to be in the middle of Africa for no reason, so they can inspire themselves to create delicous food that tastes like cardboard.  But I think my favorite one is the guy who goes in the jungle and climbs a tree like the tribesman that lives in the jungle (cause they're such good friends) and picks this mysterious fruit that he's discovered to bring back to America, to put into this company's health food.  GGGRRRRR!!  Do not insult my intelligence health food company and try to tell me that your employees are going to Africa to climb a tree!   

I went downstairs in my anger and stress over seeing this boldface lie on TV, and gathered up handfulls of Chloe's Trunk or Treat candy to take upstairs and calm my nerves.  Guess what was coming on Discovery Health??  That's right, the show on the morbidly obese, as in 500+lb.  So I stuffed my face and stuffed and stuffed and stuffed.  Comforting myself with food.  Knowing it was wrong.  But, I mean those stupid cereal people, it was all their fault, right????

This is one of my specialties in life, I'm very good at it.  I blame others for my faults and hang-ups.  I point fingers, refusing to ever consider the problem is me. 

 Matthew 7:   1-5 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

So today, I look in the spiritual truth of my dirty face.  Maybe I can wash it off, and then I'll be able to give the cereal company the spit-bath they deserve. 

Sorry.  I'm dumb, but you know that already!  I forgot to wish Adam happy b-day!  I think as I'm quickly going over memories of Adam and these past 11 years, I just think of how young he and Meagan were when Mark and I married.  It's always been funny when people used to tell me years ago (who didn't know they were step-sibblings) that they favored one another!  It really has always been amazing the bond between him and Meagan. Mark told me that his suite-mates had played a prank on him as a happy birthday, in which while he ws sleeping they decorated his room like a horror movie and woke him up at like 4:00 am and scared him almost to death!!  That's college life, I guess.  I can really tell Adam is maturing.  When he was home last and did so much to help me get ready for my last minute St. Louis trip, it was a more adult Adam, that's for sure. 

I love you Adam.

Today is awards day at Chloe's school.  And just so you'll know, she's improperly dressed.  She has on a short sleeve (gasp) shirt.  She only has a few long sleeved shirts, and didn't like any.  I told her she could wear her school shirt, but she didn't like that.  So she picked out a shirt and some jeans and I said "ok".  Please oh please don't tell Nanny Vickie.  Awards start at 1:30, which may prevent her from attending because of soemthing or other at her work.  So, I may get by with this.  Meagn needs me to pick up some pictures for her at WalMart and wants me to bring them to her school.  Don't know yet if I can pull that one off.  Just have to see.  I have no socks.  The only socks I ever have are the white ones in the multi-pack.  So, if I need something thin or dress socks, I always go through Meagan or Chloe's and "borrow" their seasonal socks.  So, my socks today are Chloe's Easter bunny socks.  No.  I'm not kidding.  Yesterday they were Chloe's Ked socks that didn't even match.  No.  I'm not kidding.

LIfe is so crazy sometimes isn't it?  So stressed.  Sometimes it's unfair.  Do you ever tell God how you really feel?  I mean he knows anyway, right?  When your circumstances aren't right, or what you want, if you follow Christ, don't you know that He can change them?  We often blame others for what God is in full control of.  I read Psalm 88 this morning, and said "wow!"  

Psalm 88

 1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day. I spend the night on my knees before you.
   Put me on your salvation agenda;
      take notes on the trouble I'm in.
   I've had my fill of trouble;
      I'm camped on the edge of hell.
   I'm written off as a lost cause,
      one more statistic, a hopeless case.
   Abandoned as already dead,
      one more body in a stack of corpses,
   And not so much as a gravestone—
      I'm a black hole in oblivion.
   You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
      sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
   I'm battered senseless by your rage,
      relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
   You turned my friends against me,
      made me horrible to them.
   I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
      blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

 9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
      I wring my hands, I plead for help.
   Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
      Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
   Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
      Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
   Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
      your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

 13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
      at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
   Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
      Why do you make yourself scarce?
   For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
      I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
   Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
      I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
   You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
      raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
   You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
      the only friend I have left is Darkness.

I love that last line:  the only friend I have left is Darkness. 

We all have seasons of darkness.  Often times people who don't go through or have forgotten about going through tell you to get over it on your own.  But I know better, and you should too. 

I had the best weekend I've had in quite a long time.  I thank God for it.  I do.  Friday night Mark asked me if i wanted to meet him and Chloe and grab dinner.  I said OK, but I felt so tired.  The entire week last week was just really exhausting.  I didn't do anything major, I'm just tired and felt a bit overwhelmed.  Ok, alot overwhelmed.  But Friday Mark has straightened the house up, and was determined to do everything he could to make my weekend great, and he succeeded.  Saturday morning I could've slept late, but Chloe's alarm for school went off and woke me, but that was fine.  Just to know I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything was great.  Rebekah was going to come over to spend the night with Chloe, and Holly called sort of last minute and asked about she and I taking all the girls to see a movie and maybe dinner.  We did.  It was just a great night.  Holly and I haven't really hung out in a while, and it was great.  She asked me what I'd learned most about everything I've been through lately.  I told her I thought lessons on forgiving.  But later on I though more about it, and realized another lesson I've learned is on trials and struggles.  I used to think in life we just went from struggle to struggle to struggle, and that was life.  But I now believe that God's plan is struggles that he delivers us from, trials with Him and answers for life heartache and pain.  I'm not suggesting everything in my life will always turn out the way I want it to, but I trust now that if it's in God's plan it's the best for my life.  So Sat. night was fun to be with my BFF, and then got home and Mark had went to the store per my list and bought some groceries.  He was a real sweetie the entire weekend, and I'm telling you not only did I notice, I felt like queen for the weekend, and very cared for, and it meant so much. 

Last night's Vision was very interesting and very good.  My lesson took some unexpected twists and turns that I wasn't prepared for, but really has given my some topics to prepare for.  I now know how Roger must feel when someone asks him an out of the blue question, other than I'm sure he can answer much better and quicker than I can.

My lesson was on choosing sides.

I Chronicles 12:16-18 16 Other Benjamites and some men from Judah also came to David in his stronghold. 17 David went out to meet them and said to them, "If you have come to me in peace, to help me, I am ready to have you unite with me. But if you have come to betray me to my enemies when my hands are free from violence, may the God of our fathers see it and judge you." 18 Then the Spirit came upon Amasai, chief of the Thirty, and he said:   "We are yours, O David! 
We are with you, O son of Jesse!  Success, success to you, and success to those who help you,   for your God will help you."  So David received them and made them leaders of his raiding bands

David was basically drawing the battle lines, and forcing these men to decide. I had bring up something I'd read a few chapters earlier, I Chronicles 10:13  Saul died because he was unfaithful to the LORD; he did not keep the word of the LORD and even consulted a medium for guidance. I think there's alot of this going on, well any is too much.  We toy around with new age junk, and call it a gray area.  Not. The bottom line is committment.  You can't be on both teams.  You're either on the team of Jesus or you're not.  It's that simple, even though it seems complicated.  He's our coach.  He tells us our position and which plays we will make.  Choose your team today.  But keep in mind, we already know who wins.

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