Gigi's Blog

I'm here!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm at NSAI with my bud Wendy.  She's showing me all the awesome songwriting "stuff" here and it's so exciting. I'll try to write back when and if I can to let you know what's up with my  trip. 

Talk to ya soon I hope!      

I'm 2 days away from the trip and very excited.  The trip meaning "Music City USA".  I wrote and demo'd a song that may be used for the next Beauty Within Seminar.  It's called "Dying to Be Beautiful."  The first verse is about Holly.  That's right the brains behind The annual Beauty Within Seminar.  Good grief, can you believe this will be the 6th?  If you don't know about Beauty Within, it's a seminar for youth aged girls to motivate them to cultivate their inner beauty as well as encourage them what beauty looks like in the eyes of God.  It's a wonderful day for all involved.  The sad part is the fact that Holly as well as myself, and maybe others involved struggle with the very thing we're trying to help others be free from!  Self image.   So when I wrote this song, I had to write the first verse about Holly.  (But don't tell her ok.  She never reads my blogs)  So this is the song that I plan to have critiqued at Saturday's conference. 

Well, wouldn't you know it?  This song is now going through the refining pot to test and see if it's real.  Three of the most gynormous zits on this planet, actually they are their own planets have appeared on my face!!!! UUGGHH!! Are you kidding me!!??  So, I want to crawl in the biggest hole ever, but can't, 'cause I gotta pack for Nashville.  I went to try and get some different gels and such to smear on my face. Didn't the Lord know when I wrote this song, it was for them not me?  Ha! What happens if these don't go away?  Am I still a songwriter?  A Vision teacher?  Am I still an acceptable person?  I don't feel like I am, but I am.  I feel like Job, I swear I do.  I'm just waiting for the dogs (my only friends) to come and lick my wounds, and I'll scrape my zit with a piece of broken pottery. 

But you know what?  This just gives me more of a heart for exactly what this song is about.  I Samuel 16   7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

I'm hoping that the link I'm posting will work.  If you can click on it, then play the first song on the player that comes up. 

 

http://www.shoutlife.com/profile_view.cfm?uid=78583

This weekend was a good weekend, but I'll admit I spent most of it feeling exhausted.  Friday I took Chloe to school and planned to clean the downstairs, and then take her to the mall to get a purse, look for an outfit, and take advantage of 2 gift certificates I'd been given.  One for a manicure, the other an AutoBell carwash.  The downstairs cleaning happened, and I did take her to the mall for the purse, but that was all I could do. We stopped by to get eggs to dye, but I was too tired for anything else and we came home. We dyed eggs and I'm telling you the Lord helped me 'cause I thought I was gonna fall over from being tired.   Saturday we went to the Easter egg hunt at Robert's retreat and then were going to go and eat with my family, but I got a call from Meagan who was at the Mall and had found a prom dress.  So Chloe went with my mom, I skipped lunch and met Meagan.  She got the dress, and I decided I'd try to do what I'd planned from the day before.  I looked and looked and looked.  I wanted this and that but couldn't only afford a little of this, so I went with it.  No energy to do anything else.  No manicure, no car cleaning. I went home and slept until 6:00 and then went to Rite-Aid.  I bought a B vitamin while there, 'cause I thought "I'm gonna try some vitamins, if I gain weight I gain weight, but it'd be better than this feeling."  I took my vitamin combo, and got things as ready as I could for Eater morning.  I got up at 5:30 Sunday and we got ready.  As we were leaving I asked Chloe if the Easter bunny'd brought her anything.  She shrugged her shoulders and to be honest I felt like I didn't even care if she looked or not.

Mark said that we might oughta skip the sunrise service since we only had 10 minutes to get there, but I said "No."  On the drive the moon was bright and you really felt you could imagine that first Easter morning.  When we arrived everyone had already gathered, but we went on down.  I had ran out of the door and didn't have time to get a sweater.  I also didn't have on stockings.  If you know me you know I'm one of the most cold natured people you will ever meet.  So I thought "This could be difficult."  We gathered in the group, and it literally felt like a blanket of warmth wrapped around me, it was truly miraculous.  We then went into the service and it was a wonderful morning of rejoicing that our Jesus is indeed risen! I felt better during those 2 1/2 hr. than I had the entire weekend. We left and went to my Aunt Pat's for a bit and then went home.  I told Mark I was gonna sleep until 6:00, and if I would have, that would've been ok with me, but I didn't.  I got in the bed at 8:30 and watched The Mystery of Jesus.  I'm thinking "What is wrong with me?  Am I stressed?  Am I sad?  Am I hopeless?  What is it?  Am I depressed?"  I can promise you that if I went to any Dr. and told them my feelings, they'd suggest I take "something."  I'm not criticizing any person who takes anything-well I mean that's legal.   

But I have found a certain amount of comfort in one thing, on the commercials for feeling down they say "Do you lack enjoyment in things that once brought you pleasure?"  I'm glad to say-"Yes."  Because to a certain extent I can see a tiny bit clearer some of what life is about.  The Cross-not bunnies, Baby Jesus-not Ho-Ho-Ho.  That's why when Chloe wasn't that "into" checking out what the "Easter Bunny" had brought, I was ok with it.  The quicker we left, the quicker we'd be where the real story was.  God has allowed me to go through these seasons to change me, or at least He's doing His part.  I usually kick and scream and resist for a good while.  The closer I move to Him, and away from the world, it all becomes clearer.

Acts 7:56 "Look, he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God."

Last night if you were at church maybe you noticed that me and my mom and Mark were all sitting on the same row, but strangely distant from each other.  Mark is sick.  He'd decided that he wasn't going to go to church he was so sick.  I went in Chloe's room to start getting her ready for church and I could tell something was wrong with her.  I asked her and she wouldn't answer me until she finally said "I thought Daddy was gonna be there to see me for Bible drils."  Then the floodgate of Chloe drama came gushing out until Mark said "I'm going.  Chloe just stop crying.  I"m going."  So he did.  When my mother saw Mark out of the corner of her eye she said "Don't you come close to me Mark.  I mean it."  She literally scooted to the corner of the pew she was sitting on and moved all her stuff, and not only would she not sit close to Mark, she wouldn't even let me come close to her.  Then I started getting paranoid and thought "maybe I shouldn't be too close to Mark."  So I sat really far from my mother, and sort of far from Mark.  It looked funny. 

My mom has the "gift" of brutal honesty.  She always has.  You don't have to wonder her opinion or what she's thinking because she'll be the first to tell you.  Good.  Bad.  Ugly. 

My mom and I are opposites, and sometimes I wish I could just let my true felling out like her, but I don't.  I hold it in, and internalize, and stew, sometimes.  But my mom just "says it".  Gets her feeling out in the open. 

Sometimes I fret over being honest about my life concerning God.  If I feel confused or rejected or hurt,  I think I can't be honest.  Surely feelings other than marvelous should be pushed way down into a secret place to never be discussed.

Job 1:20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
       "Naked I came from my mother's womb,
       and naked I will depart. ^[c]
       The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
       may the name of the LORD be praised."

 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Job 2:10 He replied, "You are talking like a foolish ^[b] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"
      In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

Job was up in heaven unaware that God wasn't the giver of his problems, and he was honest about it.  "God's given and He's taken.  Blessed be his name." He was honest but didn't sin. 

 Psalm 10:1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
       Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

I mean as you can see, David wasn't mincing words here.  "God where are you??"  Do you remember what God said about David? Acts 13:22After removing Saul, he made David their king. He testified concerning him: 'I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.' Maybe God wanted this honesty.  Maybe we could be honest.  Maybe this burial of our true feelings isn't working.  I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince here-you or me?

I have watched alot of Discovery Health since my health issues over the past few months.  One of the things that is on alot are children and newborns who have major deformities.  All kinds of things from dwarfism, to conjoined twins, to large facial tumors on the face, to one child who lacked something that caused him to grow to gigantic size as a young child.  You'd never do something as stupid as saying something to bring attention to the fact these children have these  issues.  You know they know.  You know the parents know.  It makes my heart hurt, but God is a God of full knowledge and understanding and reason beyond what I comprehend. 

---

Do you know anybody who has a spiritual deformity?  Psalms  14 He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment. NIV Translation

Many of us have this same attitude towards our brothers and sisters who are struggling with sin.  We feel like they already know they have this problem and we'd just make them feel worse if we say something.  Please hear me-I AM NOT talking about legalism here. I'm 100% against that.    I'm not talking about judging someome because I feel like I'm better than them or more spiritual than them.  I'm talking about saying something if God tells me to because I am their friend and I love them.  Galatians 6 1-3 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.The Message Translation 

This goes against the grain for me in every way.  But if I love, shouldn't I/we?  This seems like such a tall order to fill, but would God have said to do it, and not meant it?  Of course not.  I believe when we let the Holy Spirit do the talking, we won't have to worry about what we say because we're not saying it, He is.  

I know what you're thinking "I'm going to start with Gina.  I'm going to call her and tell her she is addicted to coffee and she shouldn't be drinking three pots of coffee a day."    Oh now you want my phone number? It's                                  1-800-noneofyourbusiness.  I know I have problems.  I told myself just before I wrote this blog. 

I blogged yesterday and part of it was deleted, but I had such a headache I just gave up. 

I'll try to wrap up what I was gonna say in a few lines:

1. I demo'd a song Friday night-it went great

2. Church Sunday morning spoke to me in several ways. One, that even a cup of water, is counted to my credit in heaven, if God's telling me to do it.  If I can't build a homeless shelter right now, but I can do something smaller, God's noticing.  Secondly, when I've decided to do something, I need to follow through with it.  I began to remember that I need to prepare for God's goodness, so that I'm not shocked by it, and Satan can't use, or try to use it, against me.  Confused-watch "Facing the Giants."

As of today, I've been provided a plane ticket to go to a writing conference in TN. next week, and I'm crashing at a friend's house, unless something happens and Mark is able to go, then we'd crash at a hotel.  I'm really, REALLY, REALLY excited!  Can you hear me screaming?   You know when things work out to my benefit I always begin to doubt myself.  I thank God that in my Bible reading today I'm in Acts.  http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts%204&version=31  13When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus. This grabs me in a very persoal way.  I'm full of the thoughts, I believe whispered in my ear from the devil "You've messed up too much.  God does forgive you, but that's it.  He can't use you.  You're not smart enough, you're not young enough, you're not old enough.  You're just- not."  I wrote this in my Bible today after I read this "This is why God uses ordinary-to bring Him glory."  People take note when unschooled, ordinary, become supernaturally empowered.  It works because when that happens, God gets all the credit.  So, I'm gonna rest today in that.  Let's both rest in it.  The only one telling us not to,  just happens to be the very one who wants to destroy us both. 

Well, it happened.  I've been doing pretty good lately about getting to work on time.  I mean I run in the door at 8:00 literally on the dot-but trust me, for me-that's on time and it ain't gettin' no better than that.  This morning I was late, and caught.  Mark woke me in plenty of time.  But I just sat up in the bed and didn't move.  I'm tired ok, I'm tired.  I got up and got going, and got Chloe up and got her going, but everything was late.  But I wasn't yelling or getting upset, and I'm actually glad I didn't.  I left my house at 7:48, which isn't good.    I got to the exit off I-85 at 8:00.  Then when I got to rail-road track, they were doing some type of work on it, which was probably about a minute or so before I could cross the track.  I passed Mark F. and waved, but I wasn't being sarcastic, I was just waving.  I got here at 8:07.  The phone rang a few minutes later-it was Mark F.  He wasn't calling to get onto me, he was calling to speak with someone, but I "went there" so he did too.  He made a comment asking me if I'd finally arrived, and I snapped back "I waved at you.  I wasn't trying to hide that I was late."  He told me that he sort of understood me being late, being when you have kids, things happen,  but being late on a regular basis he said was a total lack of respect.  Woa!  That HURT.  I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on.  The Bible says for me to respect those that are my employers, and not just when they're looking.  I know that, I want to do that.  I feel like in my heart I do, do that.  I'm trying.  I told him that I'd really been trying to do better about being to work on time, and I was sorry.  He accepted my aplology.  The thoughts start pouring through my head as I sit here feeling like I'm gonna cry "I can't do this.  I can't do this.  I can't do this."  I start thinking "I'm gonna quit something, I've got to. Something's gotta give." I am working at a Christian company (well, I mean owned by a Christian) that I have the freedom to publically read my Bible, and attend Monday morning Bible devotions and the freedom to rejoice in Christ.  So I want to get a grip here.  But I'm hurting because I feel overwhelmed by this day and in this moment. 

Are you in a situation like me today?  Feeling completely misunderstood and sort of struggling to hope?  MMMM......I wonder who's behind all this?  We aren't struggling really with us.  We are struggling with the forces beyond what we can see. Powers and principalities are in a war for every moment of my day, and yours.  To trip us up.  To cause us to feel offended, or whatever.  But Proverbs 13:6a says "A God-loyal life keeps you on track."  I'm struggling to find out what that means exactly and praying God will help me to do it.

You pray for me, and I'll pray for you-ok? 

You know how my cholesterol is "supposedly" high. Well, it may not surprise you to know that condensed soup, I usually don't add water and in fact add butter.  I don't really understand consensed soup.  Is it to decrease the amount of mass it would take up in the universe?  Well, this blog is gonna be like condensed soup.  It's alot to try to fit in the can of 1 blog.  But, I'll try. 

Friday Holly called me to tell me that she was going to Joyful Noise for a concert, and wanted Mark and I to go.  Echoing Angels were going to be there.  They sing "You Alone" which is the last solo I sang at church.  Love that song. I told Holly "I'd see.  Maybe" and stuff like that.  "No Gina.  I want you to go."  Really I felt like I should.  I already wanted to, but knowing how I am, I can very quickly talk myself out of things.  Chloe was going to a sleepover, so there just wasn't any reason not to go.  I borrowed 2 blank CDs from Scott F. so Mark could burn my songs on to give out to the group.  We were off.  I stuck some Vision business cards in my purse.  I have felt for a while that I should see if Joyful Noise needed any night and weekend help, and I've even asked before, but at that time they didn't.  As we were paying for our tickets I asked the owner if they needed any help.  He said "No".  But his son said they might soon, and asked me if I had a resume.  I told him I didn't but I did have a Vision business card with my contact info.  I felt good about that contact for whatever reason.  Now to the concert.  Adam came to the concert to surprise everyone, and we were all really excited to see him.  I'd never been to the upstairs at Joyful Noise.  Well, it was just awesome.  The atmosphere.  The presence of Christ.  A Temple Cry opened up for them and led us in worship.  They're a local group, that I got contact info for.  I think it'd be great for them to come on a Sun. night and perform a concert for Focus and Vision.  Really perform's not even the right word, because the lead singer said "We're not here to perform."  They just wanted to worship, and they did, and we did.  Echoing Angels was wonderful.  I loved it when the guitar player said "Hey we're just a bunch of rednecks!"  They were down to earth, and approachable, and just in love with their Creator.  We went to books-a-million and hung out before going home.  We were probably home by midnight.  I usually go to bed on Fridays at 9:30.  So, when I woke up Saturday it felt like I'd been run over by a truck, but it was so worth it.  Saturday Chloe and I stayed home and Mark was at basketball all day.  His team won the championship for youth!  Yay black team!

Sunday morning Roger preached on Matthew 25:14-30.http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:14-30;&version=65; and 2 things really stuck out.  1. I'm given talents and expectations based on who God created me to be.  Roger talked about it by saying he's not responsible for living the life of another pastor.  He's only responsible for himself.  I told Vision last night that I believe if we would embrace what God's gifted us with, and stop trying to improve on what we weren't gifted to do in the first place, we'd be much more at peace with who we are. 2. God didn't accept fear as an excuse for being "careful." Church's are full of common sense realists who would rather ensure mediocrity then be willing to rise or fall for Jesus.  So we settle for same old same same old.  I'm sick of it. I think the Message translation of this passage is very powerful, and it's what is attached.  I carried the morning teaching over into Sun. night Vision.  I Corinthians 12 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=I%20corinthians%2012;&version=65.  I reminded the class that we all have been given gifts when w were saved, whether they have been opened or not, the gifts have been given.  I also asked them if they were trying to live a successful Christian life detached from the body.  When a limb detaches from the body it dies.  This is where I believe alot of believers are, and it's dangerous territory.  They don't fee like they "fit" anywhere.  So, they just determine they will live detached from the body and don't realize they're dying in the process. 

Yesterday was an exciting day and night in Vision.  We had 12 in Sunday School, and we had 9 last night.  Plus we had a brand new visitor that just heard about us and was excited to have a young adult group to plug into.  She and I talked quite a bit last night and it really validated some things for me.

Now to enjoy this blog, just add one can of water, heat and enjoy.

Last night in Vision a prayer request was made for a girl who used to attend First Assembly Christian Academy.  She's 21 now.  She has pancreatic cancer and has been given 2-6 months to live.  Someone asked "How can you deal with that?  Knowing you have a few months to live?"  I knew what he meant, but I had to say what popped in my head.  "This is how we should all live.  But like we have today left to live."  I don't begin to know this girl and her family's heartache. So please don't think I'm implying it's easy to deal with.  But if you knew today was your last, what would you do? Forgive?  Hug? Say things you should've said a long time ago?  Rededicate your life to Christ?  Get saved?  Boy I'm thinking of lots of things I've just indefinitely put off.   

I'm also thinking of just working and toiling and living.  When does hard work pay off?  If it's in heaven is that ok?  Or have you said, "I'm sick of it.  I can't do it anymore.  I'm giving up"?  Boy I have.  But think of your life here on earth.  Say you're going on a huge vacation next week.  Doesn't it make it easier to get through this week?  You're working hard because next week's the payoff.  Our life is the work before the payoff.........if we don't give up.  It's so hard to keep going sometimes, but with God's help we can. 

Hebrews 9:27And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:  Praise God when we Christians meet our righteous judge!

Just to change the subject, my husband.............wears 3 pairs of socks at a time on his feet! Hah!  Next time you see him, ask him to take his shoes off if you don't believe me. He won't mind a bit.

The end of my 10th grade I tried out for cheerleading.  I attended Hunter Huss High where my daughter will be graduating from in a few months.  Wow!  I am old.  Anyway, I was from Tx. and had moved to NC less than a year earlier, so this was sort of going out on a limb.  I had been a cheerleader in Tx. all of Jr. High and had actually made the cheerleading squad in 10th grade, but we moved to NC.  So, I knew a little bit about cheerleading.  But it was different here.  The style.  I wasn't really known by anyone, including the judges.  So, I tried out and the results were posted, and I didn't make it.  I flew back to Tx. at the beginning of the summer to visit my family.  My dad's family.  My mom and dad were divorced, and he was in Tx.  The plan was that I would stay 4 weeks.  I didn't want to.  I loved my dad and missed everyone but I was a 15 year old teenage girl, who didn't want to spend a large portion of her summer away from her new friends.  Daddy and I at that point of my life were still in a stage of bass fishing with a can of vienna sausages and hot cokes, and I didn't want to do that for 4 weeks.  But I didn't want to hurt him either.  So I didn't.  I went.  I was feeling like those 4 weeks were going to be 4 years.  My best friend's(in Tx.) mom was a manager at K-Mart, and she and I were hanging out there one day.  I'd been in Tx. about a week at that time.  Her mom came out of her office and found me and Tabby (my best friend).  "Gina you need to call your mom." I asked why, and what was wrong.  She wouldn't tell me.  She just said "you need to call her."  So I did.  "One of the girls who made cheerleading has failed a sjubject and been kicked off the squad, and you had the next highest score.  You have to come home if you want to cheer.  Camp starts next week."  I felt like I had won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes!  I screamed and squealed for an hour I think.  Everything had worked out.  I was going home, and I didn't hurt daddy.  I was a cheerleader.  Wow!  It was hard to believe, but yet happening. 

This morning as I was offering up my lame attempts to tell God I love Him, and I'm thankful that He loves me, a phrase kept coming up that almost wasn't from me, but yet I was the one saying it.  "God I thank you that you are not limited by my imagination." Over and over this poured out.  What I was saying, or the Holy Spirit was saying for me, was God, thank you that my problems, and my needs, my questions, Your answers are not limited by my mind.  I can't understand You, You're beyond what my mind can conceive.  After my thanksgiving time I watched Beth Moore.  John 2:1On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, 2and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."  Beth said "Do you notice she only said a few words?  They have no more wine.  She explained that Mary didn't say "Ok.  To fix this you could do this.  Or you could do that."  But instead she told Him the problem, and left the answer up to Him.  Again the phrase "God I thank you that you are not limited by my imagination" comes out of me.  

You know I do this.  I give God his options.  I want to help Him, and make sure He has all the information needed, as if he needs any information.   Do you do that too?  Beth said "how 'bout if we just said God this is my problem, period, and let God give us the best possilbe answer."  The freedom and peace in that!

We are facing these "things" in life.   Thorns in the form of fear, doubt, guilt, need, sickness, and on and on. You know when I was faced with not being cheerleader, and that long long month in Tx. I honestly couldn't imagine it could all change within 5 minutes, but it did. Tell God your need.  But in doing so, don't you DARE forget that God is not limited by our imagination.

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